"I'll Praise the God Who Gives and Takes Away"

I'm not trying to depress anybody. I just have to get out everything rambling in my head at the moment. Some of these statements may be pretty blunt, but you all know me and I have to get it out, and I am long winded, so if you get bored, I'm sorry....................................

Most of you know, we had another miscarriage. I hate saying "We've lost the baby". It sounds like I don't know where it is.......but I do. I believe that little baby had a soul and is with God. It isn't lost by any means. It's strange how when this happens we don't know what to say and nobody else does either. It's just one of those tough things in life that we have to depend on God to get through. My faith has been pretty strong this time, more than it was the last time. I pray that it continues to be because I will not allow Satan to make me mad at God for this. I went through a lot of anger the first time and it damaged me for a time.

I had a D&C yesterday and everything went well. I have had a virtually pain-free recovery so far which is a blessing. My throat is hurting the worst because I found out they have to put a breathing tube down you when you "go under" that far during anesthesia because you stop breathing. I'm glad they waited until it was over to let me know that or I would have had a panic attack before surgery!

The biggest recovery will be emotional. I got really depressed after our first miscarriage and then during my pregnancy with Bonnie because I think I was so scared we'd lose her too. I don't want to go through that again. I'm gonna fight it as hard as I can and try to remain at peace through this and when God does bless us again. It will do me no good to worry all the time about something happening again, but I can't help the fact that those negative thoughts still linger in the back of my mind.

I feel like I've been stronger this time in ways but weaker in others. I was just out of my first trimester, which has brought more shock than the last time. My mind fills with those "What ifs" that I am convinced are put in our heads by Satan himself. What if this happens again and again? What if I didn't take my progesterone supplements long enough? What if they were wrong and missed something on the ultrasound and I've just gone through a procedure and killed my baby? Crazy thoughts I know, but I'm just being honest. However, my logical side is CONVINCED that God knows best and he saved this child from a life of pain and suffering if it had been brought into this world.

It's just been a really hard week. We just had John's granddad's funeral on Wednesday and then Friday I went to the doctor and found out my baby's heartbeat was gone at almost 14 weeks. For the last few days, I have felt like "What's next, God?" However, also during this time I've found out about a lot more trials that others around me are going through that have helped me gain perspective on my trials lately. People are hurting all around me. I hate that others are having to go through storms, but it's part of life. Even though I can only know my pain and it can't be compared to anyone elses, I'm reminded that it can ALWAYS be worse.
As Bevin's last post talked about, "I am truly blessed!" Even though I'm in pain, I am BLESSED to have a wonderful, supportive husband with a job that allows me to stay home with the most precious child I could ask for, a house to live in, enough food that I am never hungry, more clothes than anybody needs, just to name a few. I WILL get through this!

As most of you know, I am a music person. Songs help me get through things. When this all happened, I kept singing the part of "Blessed Be Your Name" where it says, "You give and take away; you give and take away; my heart will choose to say, 'Lord BLESSED BE YOUR NAME'! He does give and take away and it's hard to deal with the taking away part, but let's look at it in a way that I've just now realized through this trial: When he takes away, it's not just him allowing the good things to be taken from us in this life when he decides for those things to happen........it's him also taking away pain, suffering,and burdens from us when he knows that's best. We must remember that and that's how I've chosen to look at all this. My baby is much better off being with God than down here with me in such a crazy place where it could have lived a life of pain and suffering. Sometimes we get blessings in disguise (probably more than we realize). Every time I hear or sing that song, it will always remind me of that message. There is such POWER in song and praise! When I sing songs of praise and worship to God, it changes my heart and strengthens me in a way I can't explain. (And Amy-- the reason I love "He's Always Been Faithful to Me" so much is because it got me through another really hard time not too long ago. I'll tell you about it sometime. I understand why you got burned out on it though! HAHA :)

...Funny how those songs "just so happen" to come on the radio and leave us with exactly what we need at the time. Ya think God had anything to do with this one that came on exactly when John's alarm went off on Sunday? I've been singing it ever since, including on my way to the hospital yesterday. I was just introduced to this song at our Ladies Retreat about 8 weeks ago. It came to me through radio just when I needed it myself. It is EVERYTHING I need to hear right now. Please listen to the words. I'm posting it above.

Thank you all for being such great friends......just another one of those blessings God has given us........I love you guys!